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just rambling and oversharing

Self-Confidence?

Finally decided to post this... Started writing it about three years ago?


I started to write this personal essay about two years ago. But I never finished it because I wasn't sure anyone would give a fuck about what I had to say. I didn't think anyone would take the time to read about me. I was also scared of revealing a very private part of my life. Growing up Catholic (although my mom rarely made me go to church,) was something that had a huge impact on how I felt about sex and my own sexuality. This essay is not about sex, but it is about what led to it, and how I felt afterwards. It is about how I feel now and why I was unable to continue writing and much less actually publish it. I feel that in some ways, those around me don't really know me or understand me. It has only been a few years since I actually started to allow myself to be myself. I never truly had the courage to dress the way I wanted to, to say the things I was thinking, or to try and connect with those I felt were like the person I wanted to be. I love my close friends, but there are very few people I can actually relate to and I am not sure where that stems from.

Anyhow, the essay I wanted to write and will write as part of this one was mainly about my body image issues. For a very long time I hated my body. Hated the way it looked and hated how it made others look at me and treat me. And still does. But I no longer care (as much.) I never realized how much I was missing out on until I went to Vegas for the first time with my sorority sisters. I learned that some of them, when they go out, only carry $20 with them, because they know that  guy(s) will buy them drinks. This seemed crazy to me. No one had ever approached me at a party or at a bar and offered to buy me a drink. I had seen it in movies and on TV and I had friends who told me about it when it happened. But this particular sorority sister knew that every night she was out, she didn't need to worry about having money for drinks.

It wasn't until I graduated from college that I understood what it was like to have a guy pay for my drink. It wasn't until I was 22 years old that I experienced what it felt to have someone be attracted enough to me to have them buy me a drink. Yes, it might have been for all the wrong reasons (ie. get in my pants) but I wasn't going to say no to this new experience. I'm honestly not sure what happened. It may have been the fact that I was finally gaining some confidence in myself, I was wearing more make up, going out more and wearing the clothes that I really wanted to (not caring if I looked crazy or not.) I wasn't sure what changed all of a sudden.

I know that I'm not ugly, but I am fat. I have always been overweight. And being fat in our society is the worst thing you can be as a woman. Or at least it feels like it. And I'm only talking from personal experience, it is not my intention to generalize or to pretend that all overweight girls go through the same or struggle with the same issues. This is about my experience with the lack of attention from the opposite gender. And believe me, I am not one those girls who needs that sort of validation, but after years of going out with your friends - who are much prettier, thinner, and thus more confident - and you see guys look past you, or point at you, whisper something in their friend's ear and laugh, something starts to slowly eat up at you. It slowly begins to corrode the little self esteem that you had been able to build up since you were a little girl.

So when someone came along who showed interest, the last thing in my mind was to question whether their intentions were honest or if all they wanted was to sleep with me. Because, even if all they wanted was sex, I was still wanted. Something I had never experience before. This led to a series of reckless decisions that most often than not ended up in me crying over some douchebag who had led me to believe that he wanted to get to know me, to date me. But once I wouldn't sleep with him, he would drop me like trash on the side of the road. And this happened a couple of times. And it always made me feel ashamed of myself, for not being brave enough to have sex and also it made me feel like I wasn't enough. I would cry and blame myself.

When I finally decided to have sex (probably with the wrong guy and for the wrong reasons,) I felt ashamed once again. I felt guilty for having had sex, and even dirty. I wasn't even allowing myself to truly enjoy it because I just felt so bad about myself every time it happened. Other guys came along, and those I slept with, also made me believe that they wanted more when they really didn't. And by then, I wasn't sure what all these assholes were after. I also questioned what was wrong with me. For a long time, I blamed myself for their actions. I thought that if only I had done this or that differently, they would have stayed with me. It took me a long time to realize that it wasn't me, that it was them. Whoever was interested in me and had honest intentions, wouldn't care whether I decided to sleep with them too early, too late, or not at all. They wouldn't just stop talking to me one day without an explanation. They would make an honest effort.

Feeling wanted gave me a fake sense of confidence - one that was easily shattered once a guy stopped talking to me or claimed he didn't want anything serious. Feeling like I was wanted blurred my vision, making it impossible to distinguish between the guys who had genuine intentions and the ones who only wanted to get in my pants. I allowed them to play with my emotions and my body because I didn't want to lose their attention. I craved their texts, their touch, their presence because I had gone my whole life without anyone ever looking my way. These guys didn't care that I was fat, they still found me attractive. And that made me feel attractive, even if it was only temporary. I was chasing this fake confidence and I was willing to do whatever I had to, even if it meant being treated like trash in the end.

It took me a long time to feel comfortable in my own skin and to learn how to love myself without the validation of others. I cried a lot before I was able to understand that it was ok to embrace my sexuality as long as I wasn't sleeping with someone just to feel wanted for a little while. I'm still fat (though working on it) but now I can handle the laughs, the hate and the fact that when I go to clubs no one asks me out to dance.  Now I don't need a guy to be attracted to me in order to feel beautiful. Yes, I still have days but there are a lot less of them and they are far in between. I learned that self-confidence has to come from within or it'll shatter and disappear quickly. I learned the hard way that a guy buying you a drink at the bar is not a necessity and I can live without it. I can buy my own damn drinks and as many as I want to.

BACK AGAIN?

I told you, I have a problem when it comes to following up. Maybe that is why I haven't amount to much ever since I graduated college...but this is not about putting myself down. I don't want it to be about that. I  want to start blogging regularly because I like to write and I am an oversharer (not sure if that is a word.) I also truly believe that by putting my struggles out into the universe, I will receive the help I need. It may not come to me as a solution, but sometimes, even just getting a message from a stranger or an acquaintance  thanking me for sharing and telling me that they feel less alone in their struggle has helped a ton. Figuring life out can be really difficult, even those who seem to have it all together will probably tell you that they are struggling too and sometimes faking it. I am searching for the type of person and artist I want to be, I feel like some days I get a glimpse of that person but lately, I am mostly just confused and scared - and that's no way to live. I want to work on projects that will empower, inspire, and motivate me and others to always keep going, even when we don't know where we're going. I need a creative outlet that will allow me to put my thoughts into some kind of order, maybe then I will be able to actually come up with a plan to achieve my goals. The other day I told my mom that at 25 years old, I felt old and like a failure. And once she asked "really?" with a sad tone, I heard how unfair I was being towards myself. I am not old, and I haven't really failed yet because my career hasn't really started. Yes, it's been three years since college and I have applied to more jobs than I care to count and been rejected from almost all of them. Yes, I have worked shitty jobs that led me down a path of depression and hopelessness. Yes, I have only booked about three things and they were all small. BUT somehow I have managed to still keep going, to look inwards and find motivation even on those days when I couldn't get out of my bed.

So, maybe I should begin to blog and write out my thoughts, finally go through with something without the fear of failing. I think I always wanted to do things for the result, but...

And so I will focus on the journey, on learning as I go, on finding what makes me happy and what will benefit me in the long term,

I'm struggling 

I'm not in a great state of mind. I'm really not. The country is turning into shit. My life is shit. And I'm just so tired and sad. I'm at a point where I can't even feel happy for my friends' achievements. I don't envy them, I just feel shittier about myself. And it's not just that, I'm also truly afraid of what's going on in the country right now. I'm afraid of what's going to happen to my friends and family who are not in this country legally. I'm afraid for the climate. I'm afraid for all the women and men who won't be insured anymore and for all those who will most likely die because of it. I'm afraid for them and for myself. And yes, I want to believe that we can fight it, but just the fact that such a piece of shit made it to the presidency shows just how racist, intolerant, ignorant and misogynistic at least half of this country is. If he were impeached, we'd just end up with a smarter piece of shit who'd probably be worse.

I never thought I'd get to live through something like this. When I was little, I thought the times of war, slavery and hate were far behind us. But sadly, I was mistaken. People are calling him the next Hitler. And how can anyone take that lightly? How?!

I don't know what life is going to look like in a year from now. Part of me wishes that in a year, I'll be in a better place professionally - on my way to pursuing my goals. But another part of me feels stupid for wanting to pursue an acting career when the country is in such a bad place, when my family could be deported, when the lives of so many others could be drastically affected for the worse.

I feel so tired and lost and confused and disappointed. I'm disappointed in myself for not being more optimistic, for not having the strength or the knowledge needed to fight. It's like all of my insecurities were suddenly amplified because not only have I not accomplished anything since college, now I'm also not able to stand up and fight for the well-being of this country.

I'm not sure why I'm sharing this. I think I just got tired of reading on social media about every executive order that piece of shit keeps signing and how ridiculous they are, plus all of the comments from people who support him. And I just can't deal with it. Maybe I'm being dramatic and blowing things out of proportion... I really hope that's the case. Because a lot of things are starting to seem pointless from my point of view and I don't want that. That's no way to live. But not taking advantage of this one lifetime I get is also not an option.

My frustrating problem

My problem, when it comes to writing, is that I start writing a piece and won't finish it that same day, sometimes not even that same week or month. And then, when I come back to it, I am no longer in that state of mind and so I can't bring myself to finish it. It just feels like whatever it was the I was writing will read like two completely different parts. So I always end up when half-finished thoughts. Maybe I should give it a try and finish some of them?

Stop Hiding

So I haven't been writing much lately. And what I have written, I've kept to myself. Why? Mostly because I was afraid to show so much of myself to the world. Yeah, most of the world won't read it but I was afraid to put out there my private life, my fears, my insecurities. And yet, I can't not write about my life and about what I know. I usually  don't have any issues writing about how I feel and about the things I'm struggling with. But at the same time, I keep to myself a lot. I honestly don't know why I'm writing this except for the fact that last night I met an artist who told me that I needed stop hiding (in terms of my art.)  It took me many years to consider myself an artist and even more to call myself one. But I am, and I think I'm going to just start creating unapologetically. If I'm going to be judged, then so be it.  

IS OVERSHARING A THING?

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Probably yes. Will that stop me? Probably not. I decided to start blogging again because I need another creative, one that stimulates different parts of my brain. But I haven't published any new posts because the ones that I've been working on seem a bit too private. I kind of feel like if I post them, no one will read them or someone will reply with a TMI.

And I most certainly wouldn't want that. I am not trying to make anyone uncomfortable or share more than I should. But doesn't the saying go: Write what you know? So then, shouldn't I rely on my experiences in order to write new blog posts? That seems like the obvious idea. Then again, some people would advise against sharing too much personal information on the internet since anyone can find them - specially potential employers. I am currently on that job hunt so I should probably keep that in mind.

And yet... I apologize for all the back and forth, by the way. I guess I am trying to work through this as I write this entry - no one said I would always have thought out arguments. Going back to the main question: is there such a thing as oversharing? I think so and at the same time, I think it is completely valid to choose to share as much as you want to - even on the internet. 

Some people share a lot of their personal experiences, their life, their feelings, the people who have influenced them, their nasty breakups, their failures, their successes. And they do it in public spaces, on public platforms, and they are usually praised for it. I mean, just  look at all of the memoirs and autobiographical books that are so popular nowadays - Bossypants by Tine Fey, Is Everyone Hanging Out Without Me? by Mindy Kaling and even Lena Dunham's Not That Kind of Girl.

I read those books and learned a lot, I felt inspired and motivated to also share some of the stuff I have gone through. I may not be as good of a writer as these other women, or as witty and funny. But I think everyone's point of view and perspective is unique and valid, so why not share my view of the world with those of you willing souls who are open to read my posts?

I guess what I am saying is to get ready for some posts that might reveal too much about my life, but nothing will be arbitrary. I promise.

Getting back on the bull

(So apparently the correct phrase is Getting back on the horse, I just googled it. But I'm just going to leave it the way that I wrote it, I like how it sounds. Bulls are also more dangerous.) It has been a while since I've written something that was meant to be read by someone else's eyes other than my own, something that was meant to be published instead of just staying inside the pages of my moleskin (or that $1.99 notebook from Target, which I enthusiastically recommend.) And the main reason for that is that I am lazy, unmotivated, and that I probably experienced a quarter-life crisis as well.

Following through is not my forte. Having to do something on a regular basis is surprisingly difficult, and even though I loved blogging, I kind of just dropped the ball and stopped writing posts. I didn't necessarily feel like I had anything good enough to say, an interesting point of view, or even the writing skills that were required to be a good blogger.

But I'm trying to change that. I'm taking things one day at a time. I'm trying to enjoy every second. I'm basically going to listen to every cheesy inspirational quote that has ever been written.

And how will I start?

Well, first by actually setting up goals for myself - short and long term. And the first one is to find creative outlets that will continuously motivate me and inspire me. One of them being blogging.

And what will I blog about this time around?

Probably just my experiences and my life and my thoughts and anything that interests me. Sometimes they will be long posts, sometimes very short. The point is that I will publish something on a regular basis.

Here's to actually following through and stuff.